My first STD was from a foam party
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh god it's open bar.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
