last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
