do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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