we have pet lesbian snakes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
