My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
