please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
This house was built for laser tag.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
