Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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