mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
