I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
