I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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