My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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