So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
