After last night, I could never be a politician.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
