My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
