words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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