Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
