I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
