Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
