you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
