Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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