Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
