Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize