we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Acid is not a monday night drug
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
