Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
