today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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