lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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