My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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