woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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