What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
