He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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