I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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