Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
