it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
