i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
