my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
