Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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