you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
