remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
