My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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