i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
