I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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