two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
