hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
