I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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