Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
