Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
