This is not my ceiling
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize