9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
