Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize