The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
