Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
