he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
