Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
