no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
