Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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