my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
